I have gone missing for the past month.
Yes, it’s been a month.
Yes, I’m ashamed. I’m shocked. I’m upset.
No, I didn’t realize it. Time just flew by. One week, I was thinking “oh, I’ll just skip this week…” then I was thinking “well I still didn’t write anything good enough this week, so I’ll let it be…”
The third week I just avoided even thinking about it.
First, I was afraid that nothing I wrote would be good enough. Every time I started typing, all I could see was how horrible it all sounded. I erased most of what I wrote before I even had a chance to move on to the next thought.
On the rare occasions that I allowed myself to finish an entire page, by the time I read it again I was so disappointed with my writing and daunted by having to edit it that I would just scrap it.
I have tons of drafts started. None finished. Not even close.
Eventually, I wouldn’t even start writing. As soon as a thought for the blog came to mind, I would first get excited, start writing down some ideas, a structure… and then realize that I would eventually publish this, and that the whole world could see it.
Eventually, it got to the point where I wouldn’t even engage with any thoughts for the website. My entire willingness and enthusiasm for creating completely disappeared. I preferred to not think about the very topics that energized and drove me the most because they came with a heavy burden of (self-imposed, mind you) obligation to share. A burden I did not feel ready (or willing) to carry.
What changed? Why did I get this anxiety all of a sudden?
My last blog post did well. It did very well, in fact. Much better than I expected. And it made me realize that there are people actually reading this. And sharing it.
It wasn’t only getting around to my “safe zone”, the people who I knew would be nice and enjoy reading it… it was also getting around to people who might take issue with what I write. People who might mock me, even if only in their minds. People who might think I’m not worthy of having this website, or that what I’m sharing is crap.
I didn’t want my next post to be just okay… I didn’t want it to live in the shadow of the last one. I wanted it to be great. I wanted it to touch people. To resonate with my readers. To make a difference. But, at the same time, I was afraid of rubbing people the wrong way. How do you strike that balance every time?
I had dreams of Huffington Post. Of being cited by other bloggers. And, rather than simply letting these things be dreams, things that might one day come true when I’m not even trying to make them happen, I became stubborn and clutched to the outcome I wanted.
Instead of simply writing, putting my thoughts and lessons out there, I held on to what I wanted you to think. About my writing, about me, about what I was sharing and creating.
But that’s not how creation works.
When I worry about the outcome, about what you will think in the end, I can’t focus on the process of writing my truth. And I can’t see the path I need to walk on from any place other than my truth. The only way I can create soulfully and sincerely is directly from my core.
Trust that, as long as you write from the deepest point in your heart, the right people are going to read it. And that they will get the message you were meant to deliver to them through that piece of writing.
My writing, my coaching, my speaking, my message… it doesn’t come from me. I’m not the one creating it. I’m just the messenger. But when I give in to the selfish desire to own my creation, the responsibility crushes my ego.
The only way I can allow my truth to shine is by detaching from the outcome and focusing on the process of creating through love. And having absolute, blind, unfailing faith that, as long as I listen to my heart, I am doing the right thing.
Everything might not work out the way I want it to, but without knowing the future my desire is blind and founded in fear. Love doesn’t desire a certain outcome – it allows everything to unfold in its own perfect time.
When I’m holding on to expectations, I’m creating from fear. When I trust in perfect timing, in my role and mission in this moment, I’m creating from love.
What I have discovered is that fear cannot drive successful creation full of presence and useful content. Only creation that comes from love can touch people in a meaningful way.
Fear is not the answer for me. I choose love. And I hope you will choose it with me. Let’s shine our truth out into the world, one loving and trusting step at a time.